The End of an Era, the Beginning of the Future (and the Long Moment in Between)

Circa 1997

“Do you want some of my water?” a girl with pigtails asks as she hands me her water bottle. A green glow stick floats vertically inside it.

“Sure,” I say. She compliments me on my sneakers as I gulp.

“Who did you come with?” she asks. The music builds. It gets louder. I move in closer, yelling in her ear.

“Oh, my friends. They’re somewhere outside,” I say, pointing to the opening in the wall. “Wanna come with me to find them?”

She takes the lollipop out of her mouth, her eyes wide, her pigtails bouncing as she nods. She takes my hand—and hers is warm—and we begin to sift through a sea of people.

We reach the middle of the main room, and the beat speeds up. That rumble fills my chest—it was always there, it had never left—but right then, as she leads me across the dance floor, it takes over. I kind of want to stop. And then she stops and turns around, and I realize I really want to stop. She lets go of my hand. We have found this place, our place, and decide to dance.

We dance for a minute. Or maybe it’s longer. I don’t really know, and I don’t want to know. She doesn’t either.

* * *

5 Pointz, Queens

I look down at my palm; it’s warm and a bit damp, just like hers. She grabs my hand. And we walk again.

I see everything in the dark. But not everything makes sense. For some reason, this is comforting. And then she turns to me, and we lock eyes. I recognize her face from an hour ago. This relieves me even more. She points to the doorframe in the wall, and I nod.

I see the outdoor space through the frame, and it’s exciting. We walk through. Fresh air! I touch my temples and feel sweat on my face, and the cool air feels good.

We survey the pavement. It’s like a forest out here, all these clans scattered about. I want to wander.

“Where do you think they are?” she asks.

Oh. Yes. She has reminded me of what we set out to do.

I link my arm with hers, and I guide us to the right. Her upper arm is slick, and specks of glitter rub off onto mine. I look at the faces we pass, scanning the visors, the Jnco patches, the camo pants, the Shell-Toes. And then I see them: Ann and Ben and Todd and Krista and Aja and Rachel. Those faces that are familiar and warm, the ones I came here with, the ones who will see me walking toward them and grin, and will ask where I went, and will laugh playfully when I tell them, and will greet this girl next to me as their friend, too.

* * * * *

Last Week

Directions to Twain Harte, California: check.

Super-smart phone with loads of music: check.

A carload of junglists: check.

A cozy house by the lake: check.

32nd birthday: check.

Last weekend, a crew of old friends went roadtripping into the woods, to celebrate the wedding of our friend, Rachel, and also to reconnect with each other. It had been too long.

It’s special, this group. I met some of these friends in 1997, a few in 1998, and more years later. In the beginning, we were 16, 17, 18 years old, from different schools, paths, and places: the city, the suburbs, and even further out. But when we congregated, after hours, we became the same. Or where we met made us the same: darkness, smooth and uniform and non-discriminating, had its way of doing this.

We frequented abandoned warehouses on 2nd and Jackson and 85th and Baldwin in Oakland; we partied in a massive empty space in the rear of the Home Base home improvement store on Hegenberger Road; we escaped the house music upstairs in the jungle room in the basement of Maritime Hall; we spent the wee hours in a dodgy flat above Burger King near the Civic Center; we danced to sets by DJ Dan in cramped Big Heart City when DJ Dan still spun records in tiny places; we lounged with other Happy Kids in a dark chill room at an ice skating rink.

This kind of darkness.

It was our scene: a nocturnal setting of green lasers, machines blowing smoke in the corner, neon glow sticks seemingly dancing on their own in mid-air, flimsy mattresses scattered outside, and the occasional yet intrusive whistle blown off beat. We were young, inquisitive, and malleable: lured by these elements, connected by a bold soundscape of cybertrance and jungle and breaks.

We bonded under particular, and sometimes peculiar, circumstances. We lost each other; we found each other; we returned with new friends; we expanded our circle.

And we found ourselves. Or rather, we discovered who we were at that moment.

And this moment? It wasn’t a single, concrete moment in time. Yes, there was an original moment, one from which all subsequent moments stemmed—a moment of discovery that we each experienced intimately, on our own, early on.

But there was a drawn-out moment—one that lasted years, for as long as we all swirled together, nourished through the music and the substances. The partying halted like a trainwreck, but in slow motion. As we came down, I tried to grab onto something tangible to take with me: a constant, or a totem from that world that made sense outside of it.

But nothing did. Instead, life happened: friends branched off into new circles, people broke up, and the world that we haphazardly created dissolved.

Today, it exists as an afterthought. A lingering sensation brought on by music. A blog post.

* * *

And so, I eagerly awaited this weekend, sharing a house with friends from this time. We cooked together; we played cards; we swam in the lake; we laughed at ourselves; we operated like a family. It’s intensely fulfilling: a chill weekend for a group whose shared past is one of excess and recklessness.

Those who know me know there was a point, several years ago, when I questioned my friendships born inside the rave—when I feared the experiences and emotions were synthetic.

Not so.

I think it simply takes time and maturity — and patience and perspective — to understand and accept things.

* * *

When I saw Rachel walk down the aisle with her father, statuesque and beaming, my eyes welled up with tears. I saw a youth and happiness in her face that reminded me of when we met, but also how we have grown into women. That day, I was able to resurrect something from that time, yet look forward.

I continue to ask myself what those years meant. I still don’t know, and I know I’ll never be satisfied with what I come up with. But there is a dimension in these friendships that is unique and still, after all these years, is hard to explain. And that makes me happy.

12 Comments

  1. Anonymous

    I read this and found myself with a glowing feeling about your post . I also partied the same spots at the same time creating new friendships and a new way of life . Big heart city or
    Remedy , Decible , Homebase still brings a smile to my face even at 39 years old very good times . I can’t say I found myself .When I grew older I began to stop the party scene and became distant from my club friends . I felt the same as you what happen to all my friends was this a fake friendship ? No it was not we were all just becoming adults and our time and money was no longer dedicated to the club scene . After a few years of a good job ,marriage , and kids we all seem to reunite with the same things in common. I am happy to say I still see a lot of these people married with kids like myself and I always but on a little mushroom jazz to get the
    Mood right .
    Thanks for posting this I felt like I was still partying right next you for a second

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’d read this shortly after you posted it but never responded. Just wanted to say that I appreciate your words and thoughts — they’ve made me smile.

      Like

  2. “But nothing did. Instead, life happened: friends branched off into new circles, people broke up, and the world that we haphazardly created dissolved…” Just keeps you glued with “what happened next?”lingering at the back of one’s mind…then I read some more… really nice.

    Like

  3. Really loved reading this! Amazing blog!

    Like

  4. Thanks for the different perspective on Raves. Our daughter who is very adventurous, wanting to experience everything in life (she’s 30 something now) wanted to go to a Rave and we told her no way, no how. She went anyway without our permission and knowing she was in trouble stayed at her boyfriend’s house all night and the next day. I think the boy finally got scared of what was to come since he was 18 or 19 and finally brought her home. Because we wouldn’t allow her to spend time with the boy after that, he came to our house and sat down with us offering an apology. My husband warned him that our daughter would get him into trouble so it would behoove him to do what he knew was right. What we know now is that our daughter was experimenting with drugs then and is addicted now. Those of us who only hear about Raves have a preconceived notion. Lasting friends are so valuable.

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  5. Wow! This post was amazing! I really felt like I could visualize this entire scenario in my mind with your detail. As a young adult it really helps me understand and appreciate the friendships I’ve seen last so long. It excites me to create the stories now I will be able to share in the future on my blog, just like yourself 🙂 Thank you for the great read!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. This spoke to me as me. Thank you Cheri. Thank you for taking me to that place I almost forgot.

    SF raver 94

    and beyond.

    PLUR

    Liked by 2 people

    1. This comment makes me happy. (Any comment from a stranger on any of my posts about these years makes me happy.) Thank you for reading (and finding this post!) 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  7. I really liked the juxtapositoning of past and present, and felt the photgraphs were reflective of the emotions you were conveying. I am much older than you but friendships continue to be powerful, mysterious and enriching. Imagine thinking back to the sixties and the political upheaval, abrupt shifts in some cultural views/values, the many risks young adults took–and we danced and got high and had all sorts of crazy fun as well… Then think of how it feels to lose one of those very old friends. It has such impact. Enjoy all you have this moment–you sure seem to, and your writing about it all is very good.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Cynthia–I’m glad you had a chance to read this, as it’s one of my favorite recent (and more personal) posts on my blog. Indeed, these particular friendships from that time are powerful/mysterious/enriching in their own way — I don’t see these friends much these days, but keep them very close to my heart. Glad you took away something from this piece.

      Liked by 2 people

  8. Really, really like this! The way you evoke the rave in ’97 is perfect, deftly handled and suggestive without hitting us over the head with anything.

    Young, inquisitive, and malleable – connected by darkness and soundscapes and discovery… I can see how you’d want to take something tangible, some totem, from this as you all grew away from that scene. And I’m pleased you managed to reconnect further on in the dance, where the rhythm had changed but you all still remember and relate to how it started.

    And, “carload of junglists” 😉

    Liked by 2 people

  9. Sharon Miro

    Lovely, but very evocative of the “expectancy” of that earlier time. I like it.

    Like

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